Dear Raymond

Dear Raymond,

I find myself unable to fall asleep tonight. I keep thinking of you and you are deeply on my mind. I was thinking about how you always would doubt my love whenever I would get mad at you. I never could fully grasp that. I know that it was because your own mother turned her back on you but just so you know I think she truly regrets that decision.
I keep having that silly song from 50 First Dates running through my head. Remember that movie? We watched it on one of our "dates" and you loved that song "Over the Rainbow" when the Israel guy sang it with the ukelele. It's been a long time since you've gone up to heaven. I remember thinking after you died that God was punishing me for all the wrong things that I had done in my life. It's only now that I have gotten to know Him that I know that it was never about me. God must have needed a really great chef up in heaven. I certainly couldn't think of a better one than you. It's been over 2.5 years and I know that my wings are just about healed. I can feel that God has plans for me. I miss You. I miss your laughter and how you thought I was so "cute" when I was mad at you...oh how that infuriated me. And you would just laugh like it was a joke. It made me want to stomp my feet like a 5 year old. I'm not sure that "cute" is the right word for it, but it sure made you laugh. I didn't want to get out of bed. It took everything I had just to breathe. I don't feel you around me anymore. I sold our dishes. You know the ones that we strolled up and down Fred Meyers FOREVER picking out. I knew I could never use them again.
Remember how I worried about Quinn not reading like Zach? Didn't really need to worry about it. Turns out bribery makes him read like a bookworm. And Zach is getting better. Both of them are. They don't cry so much over the little things anymore. They still dig AC/DC. Martin calls every now and again and Sola is trying to be a dad. I let him have the boys for 3 weeks last summer. We'll see how it goes.
There is no one new. There is the hope of someone new to love. But I think you would be a pretty tough act to follow. I wish I could say I knew how Laura is but I couldn't think after you died and anger is really easy to feel when you're heart has just broken beyond repair. I still remember the night I cried out to God. It was the first night that I thought I might just get through this. The pain was beyond anything that I have ever felt. I was just grasping for anything. Sitting there in the beautiful Alaskan night, with a bottle of rum. I remember repeating forever, I can't take it anymore, and I remember that when I finally yelled it out at God that I felt an instant sense of peace floating over me like I had just drank a really hot cup of coffee. God is who got me to here but I'm feeling stalled. And I just miss you like crazy. Some days more than others and it seems this is one of those days. I never had to worry about whether you would still love me, I was secure in it. I knew that I could be insane and you would still love me no matter what came. And now you are gone and I'm here. I keep thinking of my Aunt Lee. I know the silence and darkness must kill her but I also know that she is strong in her faith with God. Something that I was not.
I miss you
I love you