Lost and Unloved

 

2007 - Turnagain Arm/Portage Alaska

1964 Earthquake Remains

Loss is a profound thing. It starts from the inside out and implodes until every dark thought struggles to reach the light and be free. I took this photo before my husband passed away and now it is after. Yes, there is a before and after when it comes to loss. I was one way then and now I am this changed person. I've started thinking lately of this because my great uncle passed away last week and  it was my anniversary or what would have been my anniversary last Thursday. 

It would have been 3 years. He's been gone a little over 2 1/2. Those first few dark days only break into more because soon after everyone leaves and you are the one left alone. Alone sucks. I know it seems weird but in those first months without him, I could feel him. Every morning at 3 am I would wake up, as if on cue and his presence would be overwhelming. Those first 6 months without him seemed to drag on forever. I can still remember in vivid details the pain, the depression, the silence and the loneliness is a killer. It was easier to sleep, zone out, or just not be there rather than feel the emptiness inside.

I learned a new song for worship at church and it has really, really, touched me. It's called "How He Loves" by the David Crowder Band. It reminds me of God's love but in a totally new way. I'm reading Ted Dekker's Circle Series which is basically the story of Jesus. What strikes me is that they talk of God's love as "The Great Romance", and it really is isn't it? Jesus laid his life down for us. And we betray Him again and again. My Jesus is not about hate, legalism, nor guilt. Read the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) in the New Testament. That is the person I am trying to become. God's love has saved me from heartache. He has loved and comforted me and been my friend in my worst need. You should really read those books. They are really really eye- opening. God makes beauty from ashes definitely. Just look at me.

Grace Be With You
Katie