Just a Little Note to Make You Laugh

This is PeeWee. She is a fat little sausage dog that recently came into our lives when my great uncle passed away. Since I started  working out, I thought that I'd take her along on a walk with me.Here's my facebook status that day! :  

OK, so I laced up the shoes and went and took PeeWee, my great uncle's little sausage dog who should be a weenie dog ;)...anyway so we had a great walk and then we are about 5 minutes from my house, she gets off the leash and runs, I start running after her, and she keeps looking back at me, like come one stupid, catch up. I guess she was ready to quit ...SO maybe she's the only trainer I need...LOL

God Be With You
Katie

Lost and Unloved

 

2007 - Turnagain Arm/Portage Alaska

1964 Earthquake Remains

Loss is a profound thing. It starts from the inside out and implodes until every dark thought struggles to reach the light and be free. I took this photo before my husband passed away and now it is after. Yes, there is a before and after when it comes to loss. I was one way then and now I am this changed person. I've started thinking lately of this because my great uncle passed away last week and  it was my anniversary or what would have been my anniversary last Thursday. 

It would have been 3 years. He's been gone a little over 2 1/2. Those first few dark days only break into more because soon after everyone leaves and you are the one left alone. Alone sucks. I know it seems weird but in those first months without him, I could feel him. Every morning at 3 am I would wake up, as if on cue and his presence would be overwhelming. Those first 6 months without him seemed to drag on forever. I can still remember in vivid details the pain, the depression, the silence and the loneliness is a killer. It was easier to sleep, zone out, or just not be there rather than feel the emptiness inside.

I learned a new song for worship at church and it has really, really, touched me. It's called "How He Loves" by the David Crowder Band. It reminds me of God's love but in a totally new way. I'm reading Ted Dekker's Circle Series which is basically the story of Jesus. What strikes me is that they talk of God's love as "The Great Romance", and it really is isn't it? Jesus laid his life down for us. And we betray Him again and again. My Jesus is not about hate, legalism, nor guilt. Read the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) in the New Testament. That is the person I am trying to become. God's love has saved me from heartache. He has loved and comforted me and been my friend in my worst need. You should really read those books. They are really really eye- opening. God makes beauty from ashes definitely. Just look at me.

Grace Be With You
Katie

A Walk Along the Arroyo

 Saturday, spurred by my sister into running for exercise and on a training regimen, I went to my local birding park that is near the Arroyo, which is basically a river?, I think. I'd have to ask someone the answer to that but I digress. The point isn't really whether the Arroyo is a canal or a river, it's my experience that day. 

I got out of my truck, put my headphones on and started out. Found out I could run, if only for short periods of time, but what is really important is that probably for the first time in my life, I felt like I was walking with God. As I turned onto this path, I turned the music off, and was literally praying and in front of me was a beautiful monarch butterfly. It was gorgeous and peaceful and as I walked it simply led me down the path, to a turn and all the way I am having a conversation with God. A CONVERSATION. I know, there are those of you who are now questioning my sanity. I'm not. Part of hearing from God is to listen. And sometimes to listen we have to turn everything off, get away from all the distractions of social media (me), children (me again!) and anything else that is going on in life. I had been praying for a place that I could get away and just get with God. I never really thought that working out would end up being one of those times.

So one of the small revelations that I learned was that God always answers. There is a season for everything. I didn't know my husband was going to die or when or anything like that but three days before he died his brother showed up in Alaska. Now, it wasn't planned until a week before that he would come stay with us. But I was such a mess that I needed him there. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. So sometimes God is working other people and situations to work into yours. Be patient. Accept a no, not yet or a yes answer. You never know what God is doing or planning that is probably ten times better than what you could have ever done!

I leave you with this:

Be happy in your faith and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually. 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Grace Be With You
Katie

Life is A Ferris Wheel - Can I get off this thing??

So I had this conversation with God the other day. The one thing that I find hard is to share my true feelings with anyone, even myself. But I want to be completely honest on this blog because more than likely somewhere out there there is someone who feels like I do. I find myself, even as a christian who knows better, judging a christian more harshly than someone who isn't. The truth is as a christian,  life gets harder. We are not only held to a higher standard but we still have faults and trials and things that we must learn. I am learning so much, but we have to go through the fire it seems to get there.
It seems to me that this ferris wheel is a lot like life. I seem to go around and around in circles with how I feel and how I learn new things.But right now, honestly I feel like I'm on a ferris wheel, fighting the same fleshly impulses which I then confess and ask for forgiveness and then do it all over again. I know that it is not the same thing. But here I am on this one topic over and over. I'm pretty sure that God rolls His eyes in exasperation at me sometimes. I mean really. Like the conversation the other day was simply a repeat of a previous prayer sent up in frustration at what is going on in my life.God is so great! He listens. He forgives.
And sometimes, I think He might think I'm hilarious....after all He made me this way!

Grace Be With You
Katie

Happy Easter to One and All!

Happy Easter to one and all!!

So this Easter was a little different for me. My boys have gotten older and even before Christmas I was thinking about telling them the truth about dear old Saint Nick, the Tooth Fairy, and regrettably Rudy the elf. This Easter brought many questions and I just felt that Easter and Christmas are very important holidays so a few days before Easter I sat them down and told them the truth.

Yes, Virginia, I am Saint Nick, the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny and even Rudy the Elf. I write you the messages and spend time hiding eggs, buying and wrapping the gifts and slipping coins under your pillow and grabbing that tooth you hold onto like a bank.
But all these holidays, sure the spirit of the season is all great, giving to your favorite charity, helping those you love, it's all good. But the real reason of these holidays goes way beyond getting lost in all this worldly clutter.

Everyone tells you Happy Easter, Merry Christmas and get so involved in baking, wrapping, cleaning, and everything else that we forget to spend time with the One who it is truly about, Jesus. He was tortured and killed so that we would live. He was born to DIE. He was born to TEACH us, and give us mercy, grace, comfort and SHOW us what it really is to be in a relationship with Him,  without all the baggage and legalism.
So this Easter it wasn't all about Peeps, eggs, and fake grass. I really wanted my boys to see what Jesus went through for us.

Grace Be With You
Katie

Dear Raymond

Dear Raymond,

I find myself unable to fall asleep tonight. I keep thinking of you and you are deeply on my mind. I was thinking about how you always would doubt my love whenever I would get mad at you. I never could fully grasp that. I know that it was because your own mother turned her back on you but just so you know I think she truly regrets that decision.
I keep having that silly song from 50 First Dates running through my head. Remember that movie? We watched it on one of our "dates" and you loved that song "Over the Rainbow" when the Israel guy sang it with the ukelele. It's been a long time since you've gone up to heaven. I remember thinking after you died that God was punishing me for all the wrong things that I had done in my life. It's only now that I have gotten to know Him that I know that it was never about me. God must have needed a really great chef up in heaven. I certainly couldn't think of a better one than you. It's been over 2.5 years and I know that my wings are just about healed. I can feel that God has plans for me. I miss You. I miss your laughter and how you thought I was so "cute" when I was mad at you...oh how that infuriated me. And you would just laugh like it was a joke. It made me want to stomp my feet like a 5 year old. I'm not sure that "cute" is the right word for it, but it sure made you laugh. I didn't want to get out of bed. It took everything I had just to breathe. I don't feel you around me anymore. I sold our dishes. You know the ones that we strolled up and down Fred Meyers FOREVER picking out. I knew I could never use them again.
Remember how I worried about Quinn not reading like Zach? Didn't really need to worry about it. Turns out bribery makes him read like a bookworm. And Zach is getting better. Both of them are. They don't cry so much over the little things anymore. They still dig AC/DC. Martin calls every now and again and Sola is trying to be a dad. I let him have the boys for 3 weeks last summer. We'll see how it goes.
There is no one new. There is the hope of someone new to love. But I think you would be a pretty tough act to follow. I wish I could say I knew how Laura is but I couldn't think after you died and anger is really easy to feel when you're heart has just broken beyond repair. I still remember the night I cried out to God. It was the first night that I thought I might just get through this. The pain was beyond anything that I have ever felt. I was just grasping for anything. Sitting there in the beautiful Alaskan night, with a bottle of rum. I remember repeating forever, I can't take it anymore, and I remember that when I finally yelled it out at God that I felt an instant sense of peace floating over me like I had just drank a really hot cup of coffee. God is who got me to here but I'm feeling stalled. And I just miss you like crazy. Some days more than others and it seems this is one of those days. I never had to worry about whether you would still love me, I was secure in it. I knew that I could be insane and you would still love me no matter what came. And now you are gone and I'm here. I keep thinking of my Aunt Lee. I know the silence and darkness must kill her but I also know that she is strong in her faith with God. Something that I was not.
I miss you
I love you

Longhorns and Parenting

Longhorns in Rio Grande Valley, Texas taken at dusk. This Momma was yelling at me or the kid, not sure which one...;) Ok, Tech Specs: Nikon D90, 70-300mm lens.

Does this picture look familiar? It does to me, I can see this calf as either one of my sons and yep, that's me, nagging away at whatever they have done recently and well, that's a lot. I'm actually thinking about homeschooling. Yep, homeschool. The word sends chills down my neck...Now, don't get me wrong, I love my children, but I think back to the 1800's when parents pretty much did the "schoolin'" and I really don't think either one of us would survive..children OR mom...;) I might actually have to get that straight jacket for myself. What brought this all around was that both my sons have been in trouble. Serious trouble. We are not talking they just didn't obey mom, we are talking full out peer pressure vandalism, lying, and a really potty mouth. Not too mention one of them kicked a girl! Cause He FELT like it....

Okay, so I have some kids that learn obscene language on the bus, kick little girls, and vandalise empty houses. So I have had to pray about it. My sons do not want me to do what I FELT like doing, which was totally kick them!!! Anyway, they are on prison lockdown. And it's spring break. It's just gonna have to be that way until I feel they get it...so far..not really.

Oh okay so to my point, I mean this blog is about God right, so how does that all work itself in? Okay, so I've been reading and praying and just asking God what to do, I mean I have to face it, my boys do not have a solid male role model. There dad is in Minnesota and pretty much a summer dad, if you know what I mean, so where to from here?

So the Bible is the thought of the day, it's where we learn how to act so I'm looking up Bible verses and stories that relate and I'm going to have them memorize them, so if you have any you think would be good for them, let me know. I'm also having them work, work, work. Write apology letters, and work a little at our church this week. Maybe that seems harsh but I see so many parents that aren't doing anything, so I ask for a little prayer tonight or today, help my kids see God and the errors of their ways!

Well Until Tomorrow
Grace Be With You
Katie

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